Kaju Badam

The Indian Muslim is a hoarder of dry fruits. It is an ingrained tendency, this reverence of the higher nuts. I learned the way of the kaju-badam very early on in my life. My father would bring home bags of nuts from his trips and mother would promptly stow them away. Candy bars would be dispensed with a liberal hand but a nutty treat was a rare and auspicious occasion. I fished for them in the kheer, trying to get as much in a single scoop as I could get away with, and I sucked on pistachio shells till I got my way with the last speck of glazed salt.

I started school and visiting my non-Muslim friends’ homes. Hospitality was manifested through bountiful bowls of my favourite nuts. I indulged myself and produced some of the richest farts of my time. Educated in monetary units, I tried to match my family’s income with that of my friends’. We had the same cars and our houses were on equal sized plots. The nut divide remained inexplicable.

I have been an observer of the nut subculture ever since. I have received many nuts-in-a-box gifts (mostly corporate) and spent much time contemplating the nut-to-cardboard ratio and completely figuring out how the nuts-in-a-box-powers-that-be were taking the consumers for a ride. I would snarl at friends if they so much as reached for my box of nuts. But then I groped my subconscious (very appropriately) and unlearned my nut-related preconceptions, and toned it down considerably.

The important lesson is not to contemplate the nut, or revere it. It is important to enjoy the nut and to share it. Feed nuts to your children. And sometimes just be the nut.

Why Ads Suck

Here’s why.

1. Good shampoo leaves behind only 3 grains of dandruff in the graphic, as opposed to the competition’s 20.
2. Detergents have to have an obscure Preparation-X like magic ingredient (Tinopal, blue pearls, beads of heavenly joy).
3. A pack of chips is always opened neatly and precisely, with chips right up to the brim.
4. Ads for toilet bowl cleaning fluids always have a demonstration.
5. Half-Hindi-Half-English taglines and jingles.
6. 9 out of 10 dentists/doctors/specialists recommending a product. Makes you want to know the back story of the 10^th guy. 10^th Dentist, what have you got against Colgate?
7. “Mutualfundinvestmentsaresubjecttomarketrisks…”.

Hadrons Collide

This is to going to be a very unscientific musing.

I am hooked to the Large Hadron Collider. I lap up all the articles i can find. I’ve bookmarked pages that mention it in passing. I view LHC webcams (why does this sound dirty?). Never before has a world event excited me so much, Olympics Opening Ceremony included (the day a synchronized fireworks display and an ornately choreographed performance gets me to gasp with joy and awe, will be the last day I share space and time with everyone that inhabits the third rock from the sun).

It seems that it may be weeks before the first protons start to collide. Damn, I can’t wait that long. I have hopes of some unexpected early action. When the collisions start, there should be a shower of undiscovered subatomic particles. We may also get to see the Higgs Boson particle. This little fella is supposed to give matter all its mass. It is lovingly referred to as the “God Particle” (sniff, those scientists can be so affectionate). What gets me is that we still don’t know what mass is. It kind of puts a lot of things in perspective.

There have been a lot of doomsayers. People are holding the LHC responsible for tragedies ranging from tremors to miscarriages to the inability of girls to find suitors. Indian news channels are having a field day with it too. You want crappy animation? Settle down for some Hindi News, and take a psychedelic trip on pixelated mushroom clouds in a video loop.

Bittersweetness; Incompleteness

There are times when I completely lose my thread of happiness. Walking down the road, I become conscious of the grin on my face. I can’t figure out why its there. I rack my brains to reclaim the source of my good disposition. I find it all right, but by then it is always too late. It is too small, a pittance.

It seems all that everything that made me happy are things of the past. I remember places and times that made me happy. Revisiting them is a bittersweet experience. A gesture, a street corner. They cannot bring any more joy to me. Something inside me is missing. A huge chunk. 

Life has been reduced to just going through the motions. And I take on each day knowing that it takes increasingly more to make me happy.

Hindi Movies

I absolutely, unapologetically hate Hindi movies. The last one I really liked was Andaz Apna Apna. I loathe Dil Chahta Hai and Rang De Basanti. Iqbal and Taare Zameen Par were ok but I was extremely miffed by the “Dude, you must watch this, it will change your life” type of recommendations.

You know how we like to predict the next line in a movie. And get a huge laugh when we are right. That stopped being cute for me ages ago. I am turned off when (as soon as) any of the following happens in a movie

1. The hero (with criminal tendencies) goes abroad and is followed by the local Indian cop (usually an ACP). Said cop gradually assumes a lot of power, wears a chest holster for his gun and orders around his gang of gora cops.
2. Aforementioned ACP displays a habit of always munching on something (fruits, burgers, anything).
3. Plastic surgery on anyone (the kind where the entire body type changes).
4. The inner evil of a minister/politician is brought out by showing him with girls and/or wearing his khadi kurta and sipping on a glass of whiskey.
5. A good guy sacrifices his life.
6. The hero mourns the death of aforementioned good guy by holding the dead head on his lap and shouting out at the heavens.
7. Seeing footage being wasted on a small, trivial object (ring, scarf, etc) and knowing that it will be of some significance in the climax.
8. Hero’s mom is a woman with a sharp tongue but a heart of gold who somehow tolerates and feeds all the hero’s friends.
9. Hero’s college friends are unpardonably ugly.
10. Lyrics (all movies, all songs, no exceptions).

Songs from great Bands that you may not have heard but should definitely hear

There are 2 kinds of rock music fans in the world (excluding metal-heads).

Type 1 : Claim to like Floyd and Straits but have listened to only “The Wall” and “Sultans of Swing”. Wear Black Metallica T-Shirts. Do the thumb/index-finger/pinky finger thingy at concerts. Cannot hold their own in any discussion about music. Do things with gel and hair.

Type 2 : Know a lot more about the bands that really matter. Don’t wear band t-shirts 3 days a week (In fact, they may not even own a single black concert T). Are intelligent (rule of thumb) and a delight to talk to.

Now, type 2 is a rare breed. Chances are that you sit smack in the midst of the masses. To make the transition to the other side you must dip into those records and find those little songs (never played on MTV or the radio) that will make you fall in love with the good stuff. Here is a little list that might help you find some of these.

• R.E.M. – Near Wild Heaven (Out of Time)
• Pink Floyd – Ibiza Bar (More)
• The Cranberries – Dying in the Sun (Bury the Hatchet)
• Dire Straits – Lions (Dire Straits)
• The Beatles – Girl (Rubber Soul)
• The Doors – Curses, Invocation (An American Prayer)
• Coldplay – Spies (Parachutes)
• Led Zeppelin – Over the Hills and Far Away (Houses of the Holy)
• Nirvana – Plateau (MTV – Unplugged in NY)
• Keane – Try Again (Under the Iron Sea)

The Best Fried Eggs in the World

There is nothing like an eggs-and-toast breakfast. Here is my recipe for the perfect fried eggs

You need : 2 eggs, 1/2 an onion, 3 green chillies, butter, 4 cloves of garlic, 4 slices of bread, salt, black pepper (loosely chopped), red chilli flakes, oregano seasoning (start saving the last 2 items from your pizza deliveries).

Prep : Peel off the skin from the garlic cloves. Break the eggs into a mug (or saucer or whatever) and add the salt, black pepper and chilli flakes. Use as much as you need, of course. Chop the onions fine and add to the eggs. Beat the eggs, but gently. Dont change it to a single-textured yellow mass. Make sure that the the yolk is not completely mixed with the white.

Cooking the eggs : Heat some oil (again, as much as you need) in the pan. When it is nice and smoky, dump in the eggs. Throw in a couple of pinches of oregano (trust me on this). Start moving and scraping the eggs around so as to get them all scrambled. When the eggs start turning brown, take them out.

Making the toast : Toast the four slices of bread to a very light brown. Cut off the corners if you want. While the slices are still hot rub the garlic cloves on them till they are gone completely. One clove for each slice. Remember that the toast needs to be a little firm to take in the garlic. Then butter up the slices and sprinkle some black pepper (little finer this time) on top.

Serve : Serve the eggs and toast with some ketchup and mustard; also some juice or coffee or whatever gets you going.

Bigot Nation

For a nation with a history of subjugation, the myopic intolerance of Indians kind of knocks you off your feet.

I am not averse to hearing stories of how someone’s granny used to discard the crockery after a Muslim dinner guest had used it. That’s acceptable. Cute, even, if you have a sense of humour. But having national leaders making thinly-veiled comments equating the sensibilities of a whole community to that of a back-stabbing, murderous terror clan; and then going on to win elections; become big ministers; appearing on the cover of India Today; promising vigilante justice to the wronged (one community only please); being lionized by the general majority; having magazine articles detailing their daily routine, right down to the power yoga sessions and the 2 chapati meals… is a different matter altogether.

I am sick of hearing “Gandhi was not all that he is made out to be” or “People do not attempt to understand Godse. He was an intelligent man” or “Nehru’s socialist policy set India back 10 years”. Idiot! If only you knew what Nehru stood for. Don’t compare him to Atal Behari. Atalji was irrelevant 5 years ago. Nehru will be young till eternity. Nehru would have set you free.

The loyalty of minorities will always be suspect. Homosexuals will never be accepted. Right-wing nuts will rule us. And yet we will always rue the fact that Hollywood shows us in such a bad light.

You’re an Indian? You’re a bigot!

CoolSleeves : My Favourite Album Covers

	Nirvana – Nevermind One look at this cover and you totally get it. It’s a baby under water, swimming towards a dollar bill on a fish line. It’s an obvious reference to materialism and a capitalist regime. The recording company, Geffen, wanted to blur out the baby’s penis. Cobain put his foot down saying “If you’re offended by this, you must be a closet pedophile”.
	The Beatles – Revolver This cover was illustrated by the Beatles’ close friend Klaus Voormann. It features excellent sketches of the Fab Four along with a collage of photos in the middle.
	The Beatles – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band The cover is full of cultural and political references. The band is wearing matador suits in bright colors. They are surrounded by cardboard cutouts of celebrities like Bob Dylan, Marilyn Monroe, Sigmund Freud, Aleister Crowley, Edgar Allan Poe, Karl Marx, Oscar Wilde, William S. Burroughs, Marlon Brando, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, and Lenny Bruce.
	The Velvet Underground – The Velvet Underground and Nico The excellent rendition of a banana on this cover was done by Andy Warhol, the famous American artist who led the pop-art movement. Initial copies of the album featured a flesh coloured banana, visible after peeling off the skin.
	The Beatles – Abbey Road This is one of the most imitated covers of all time. Fans love to have their pictures taken on the shown zebra crossing. The shot was set up and completed in about 10 minutes. Paul McCartney (2nd from left) is barefoot.
	Beirut – Gulag Orkestar The album is beautiful and magnificent, full of rich Turkish/Eastern European sounds. The photograph on the cover is somehow very personal and touching. Legend has it that Zach Condon used a torn photograph he found at a library in Leipzig, Germany.
	Bob Dylan – The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan The cover features a 21 year old Dylan with his girlfriend at the time, Suze Rotolo. I like it because of the warmth it conveys, and Bob’s expression.

Jodhaa Akbar : Mughals for Dummies

I am all for poetic/literary/cinematic liberty. I really am. I’ve been known to demonstrate for the protection of these liberties in public. Well, that’s stretching it a bit actually. Stretching it to the point that it obscures the fact that I secretly root for the Bajrang Dal when they shoo away lovestruck couples on Valentine’s Day (Get a job / Go to college idiots).

Let me say this straight up. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that people actually like Hrithik Roshan. He hams, has little-to-no talent and comes off as trying too hard. Aishwarya Rai is pretty in a middle-class, homely sort of way. I find it funny when she tries to pull off the sex-kitten roles. And when she pouts, I just want to whack her face with a 2-by-4. Now we can come back to the movie.

I really don’t know a lot about Jodhaa (or Akbar). I had a look at the posters and decided that maybe I’ll see it one of these days. Then I read some reviews and that was the end of that. It seems that Ashutosh Gowariker got some itsy-bitsy factoids wrong. As it turns out, Jodha wasn’t Akbar’s wife at all. She may have dated Salim a couple of months though. Hmmm. That reeks of shoddy fieldwork, Gowariker. Here, make a couple of movies on these ideas

1. Romeo’s dad and Juliet

2. Archie and Mrs.Lodge

3. A sequel to Lagaan where A.K.Hangal romances Gracy Singh

The film shows that Jodha forced Akbar to turn vegan and abolish the pilgrimage tax. So much sacrifice for nought. Oh Akbar, you old fool. How could you have missed the stolen glances between Jojo and Sheikhoo.

Had he not been stifled by the 4-hour restriction, Gowariker would have proceeded to depict how Jodha got Akbar to get a butterfly tattoo, started a hair salon chain for women and established world peace. Honest to goodness, I hope high-school kids don’t screw up their History papers after watching this.

The flick is a lawsuit waiting to happen.